world behind my eyes
25 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment
by jemelikova in Stories from the world and me Tags: dreams, imagination, life, opportunities, possibilities, thoughts, Veronika Jemelikova, world
Yesterday I went for a walk along the river. I have walked this dirt road probably ten thousand times. When I was little and we walked our dog, later cycling around or jogging. Slow flow of the river is suddenly interrupted with two small weirs. And under one of them you can carefully climb down from steep river bank to small island of stones. I remember spending a lot of time on this place. Just sitting there on stones watching the water falling down, following bubbles on the surface. Yesterday i realized I haven’t been on this place for more than couple of years. I kept on passing on this road, but never took the little return and climbed 20 meters to get there and I almost forgot how much I liked the place.
“El mundo es solo un panuelo” – The world is just a handkerchief the Spanish saying tells us. But more I see out there more I forget what I have at home, and I at the same time want to redicover my old world, but still long to spread my wings and see things I haven’t seen so far. The world seems to be just a small place, but sometimes, no matter of the actuall distance, I feel like light year away.
Homesickness does not equal passion to be elsewhere. The question is if it will ever drift away. My home is as much among these wall as in my soul. But what really scares me is that with each month and year away from these walls makes me forget names of spring flowers, makes me forget places I used to love, pulls me away from people I was always bond to.
Decision to be elsewhere means decision not to be here. I am a citizen of the world. I always think that way. My roots did start where I grew up, but then there are plenty more which grew here and there. Homesickness is all of a sudden not connected as much to just one set of walls, but to many of them. Places I loved but haven’t visited for a logn time. People I am meeting and they go on with their lives. The little peaces of my past, moments of happiness caught on laughing photographs, love I once felt for someone, little things that used to be somewhere but the time washed them away. Smell of a certain place, certain memory. Sunset you’ve seen on a special place with someone special. Life you have lived already, things that are done and things which bring you the future. New life. The ability to repeat events from the past, go back to the same places, but not to live through the same feelings. From this moment on, every single minute will be a new one. Different from the past ones.
It makes me full of hope and sad at the same time. The endless possibilities and power to shape my future. Happiness that I’ve lived through what I’ve lived, but sadness that you only can go back in your memories.
I am grateful for life as it is. And it is probably good that one cannot be a child again, cannot fall in love for the first time again, cannot recall the feeling of first broken heart and repeat the first steps.
I am grateful however for all these people who shared all the moments of my life with me and made me the person I am now.
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