I had a long discussion with a friend, amongst other things also about Czech society and politics. The Czech Republic belongs to one of the most corrupt states in Europe. On the global scale we received the same rating as Saudi Arabia. The news is full of it. There is no single political party without any members involved in corruption affair. People are fed up. But it seems like there are no alternatives. Last elections people were thrilled to see new parties entering the scene with promises of a new transparent politics. It turned out one of them was purely business project aimed to get to power in order to get access to public finances and abuse them. People lost faith in the big old parties, but now even in any new „projects“ . I heard older people saying this might be the first time since Velvet revolution they will not go to vote, because there isn’t anyone to vote for. Affairs of public finances being misused at local, regional or even state level are part of the daily news coverage. Leaders of one party are being called mafia barons, the leaders of the other populist pigs. Time has come to cut budgets and prepare for potential downturn of economy in the light of crisis in Eurozone. There are many criticizing cuts in public budget, most of the politicians criticize because it would limit their access to opportunities to steal, not because of concerns about wellbeing of citizens.

I asked my friend if this will ever change. He said it won’t.

I am a believer, you know that…. What about the young generation? What about the large majority of people being dissatisfied with the current state of things? He said the new generations are sons of their fathers, those who weren’t already trained how to steal efficiently will be corrupted by the power anyway. I couldn’t believe it. There must be a way how to change things? Is it the nature of people? The lack of morality inherent in our characters? Would I, myself, be corrupt if in power?

This brings me back to the Cuban struggle. What is the breaking point in the society, which starts the uprising? BUT!!  If people do have guts and fight against the wrongs, what if they end up with something even worse after their fight has been completed?

Is it all a question of morals and ethics? Could moral mind be corrupt or can only be corrupted?

The state of our society and the discontent with it brings my thoughts back to the era of communism. People were not satisfied with the regime. There was corruption and even worse things to hate and fear about it. And some spoke up, as some do today. But for a very long time their voices were lost in the sheep-like silent approval of the masses. How different is to live in the society depriving you from your basic rights and silent you with repressions to the society we live in today? Of course we have access to many more luxuries. But do we have access to democracy? What does that word even mean anymore?

The moral dilemma of going with the flow or turning myself against it always brings me to two important pieces of literature. It is the Kundera’s book The Joke and Havel’s piece The Power of Powerless. Both of them question the human capacity to distinguish good and bad and live your life in the truth. Going back to important parts of our history, I cannot but ask myself, what stand would I take? Would I be the one quietly confirming with the regime and going about my own business or the one printing underground newspapers? And who am I today. I am not printing underground newspapers. I wish there was such a thing.

At the same time the stories of Kundera and Havel are more about the power of personal standards of morality and life in accordance with them rather than struggle in the outer world. But at the same time the real change in a society never happened because there were many people with high morals sitting in their apartments disagreeing with the world. There was always someone, why had the courage to go public, to provide them with the realization that they are not alone. That their silent disagreement is shared across their city and their country.
Will things change? I cannot accept that they won’t.  I just wish I knew the way.

Last time I wrote about searching for myself, discovering who I am and who I want to be. And failing in it over and over again. I decided to stop searching everywhere. I decided me, right here and right now, that is it. I am enough. There is nothing more to be discovered, because it is all here already.

My friend wrote me an amazing story her friend told her somewhere in the jungle of Latin America.

Someone, it is not important, who he was, whether he was a king or a thief, well this someone lost a key. He was searching for it. He searched everywhere, not being able to find it and he started to be desperate. People were sorry for him and started helping him. Firs one, then one more and another one. In the end there were many people searching for the key. Until one came and asked Someone: »But where did u last see the key?« »There, in the other room, but it’s dark there now.”

When I was searching, and I was not alone doing that, I was here and there, discovering the world and thinking home is something known, something I might never find my answer because I know it here too well. And also a place where all the memories and all the pains and heartbreaks would never allow me to find the key to myself. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe before going to find my happiness in the world I have to find it here. In me and in this very country, which is my home.

I would like to share an amazing TED video with you. It really resonated with what I feel right now. What I feel when I am with certain special people that brighten my days and also what I feel when I doubt myself and my own value and what I am worth.

I hope we have all the capacity to become whole-hearted people. To be vulnerable, put yourself out there. Ask someone on a date. Expect the best, but overcome hearbreaks, because they are part of your life. To know we are worth it, worth of each and single thing we want. Because we are.

But here am I. Its Christmas, new year is coming and I feel need to contemplate.

This year was probably the most intense, filled with the most random experiences, ranging from absolute happiness to absolute horror.

In this only year I traveled, lived or worked in 11 countries on 4 different continents in my quest for discovery of who I am. And it wasn’t the infinity of Afghan mountains or the Afghan war, it wasn’t the Andes nor Titicaca, it wasn’t the Caribbean sea nor Colombian salsa, it wasn’t the singing of Malagasy lemurs nor the vicious circle of Mauritian politics that gave me the answer. Being on the most beautiful places on the Earth and being on the most dreadful ones had the same effect on my personal journey. The feeling that I have to discover the real me was getting stronger, but also the feeling that in reality I was never so far from the answer.

Years of going further and higher culminated in one moment. In moment I couldn’t be more frighten and more happy at the same time, the moment when real me said: “its time”. I was high in the air. And instead of letting me grow wings sent me to hospital. “Maybe it’s time for you to have a little you time, missie!”

And i was pissed. Well, who wouldn’t be. I mean, if you ask me now, if it was hard, I would be like…no, it wasn’t a biggie. I suffer from this thing…it’s called remembering optimism. Learning to walk was not hard at all, I wasn’t in pain, time passed fast in the hospital…. such things. Only tiny moments of seeing other people with crutches or a sleepless night remembers me of things how they really were. But that is not important, and most importantly it is over.

But the question remains, what is my lesson. I don’t want to be one of the people, who go through major injury or life loss without a change, which only brings the same kind of experience on them over and over again. I want to learn my lesson.

I would love to say, while lying in the hospital, everything clicked, I realized, who I am, what do I want to do, who I want to be with. But it didn’t happen. I am the same mess living my existential crisis of whether work for an NGO or in private sector, whether its time to belive in relations again or give up the nonsense of love altogether, whether I want to be rich and famous or move to Africa and help the poor. If I want to live here or there.

But yes. there is a lesson. Being around the world I realized how much I miss having a home. One place, friends, routine. And how desperately this is what I want right now. Recreating the happy place in my head into an actual happy place on Earth. I don’t think its possible to stop traveling. But so far I underestimated the meaning of my happy place.

So actually I just found a new apartment, applied for couple of jobs, started researching my master thesis and decided to start my personal journey of discovery of the real me right here and right now. From the inside. Because there is no other place that is more appropriate for it. And after all this time, I’ve never been happier and frighten at the same time, because the challenge now is to find the balance and not run away. Because running away was always the safest option.

Lets see how will it go. I don’t have more answers that I used to have. But in words of my favorite philosopher
Isn’t it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity…”

I wish you an amazing Christmas and lets all work towards making the 2012 a year worth remembering.

xox

Did we really become so overwhelmed by results, success, road to somewhere, that we forgot that ideals, hope and visions cannot be lived without? For a once I want to stop being preoccupied about future of something and just do it because its right. And we all know what is right. For each of us. There are no compromises. And from time to time we all need to see the truth and love win. And therefore we need people who remind us about it. We just lost one of them.  But I hope we all can pick up the little pieces of hope from within and keep fighting his fight. Because its right.

I had two – one less and another more successful - operations. They fixed my  myspine and reemplaced one vertebra. Now I am full of titan, so my stock price has rosen .

After spending 10 days in hospital in Slovakia now it is almost another three weeks in hospital here in Czech Republic. Yes, they transported me here in a helicopter, but after  being in Afghanistan that was not even the cool part…although it is true that the landscape was much more beautiful here.

There is nothing nice about hospital life. Because hospitals are for sick people. They smell funny and people are usually not happy.  So actually having to be in a hospital is the best motivation for getting better…because that means you can get out of here.

I was lucky to be put in quite a nice rehabilitation, the walls are colourful, there are balls of different sizes and colours everywhere and the staff is nice. That is however not reducing my will to leave this place. but for that I had to get out of my bed. Because of my spine healing I will not be able to sit for at least next month or two. So there are only choices to be in bed or up on my feet. I thought it would be easier than it was. First couple of days here it was tough. Anytime I tried to get up my head just blacked out. Because I spent so much time lying down my brain just shut down from lack of brain whenever I stood up. It took two days of trying but finally I was on my feet and standing for more than a minute. It was time for my first steps.

There is a long corridor on this floor connecting all the rooms. This was my first road to travel. Step by step I was discovering world behind walls of our room. And there were people I didn’t know and there was so much to see yes, one gets crazy when locked to a bed for so long.

From then I am able to walk more and more every day. It is still a long way to the marathon… but it will happen. My legs are still shaky and it seems like if all my muscles decided to just disappear. So it takes so much work to put everything back in place.

But I am so excited to progress. It is such a huge change. From traveling the world and being such an independent person I became so dependent and limited. But it opened another serie of challenges for me. Challenges I never thought I would have to face. Those moments, couple tens of minutes I can spend walking per day are the light of my days now. Escaping my bed is worth all the pain.

Sometimes world tells you to slow down. In my case it shouted it on me. So here I am. Hey!

So I was traveling Latin America. And it was awesome. Three ladies on the road working for women empowerment. I didn’t keep up writing this blog because well it was not right time.

Ok….where was I… oh yes. I am on the airport in Lima, Peru. You know the airports, you taste all the free chocolate covered nuts, spray some perfumes on and try to find something to read. And there it was. Born to run. AMAZING book. That is what Lindsay told me. And she is amazing. So I got the book and read it before we landed in Madrid. Suddenly I knew I was born to run, deep down there I was one of the running people, small tribe lost in Mexican mountains, who are among the last people still holding up to traditions based on the very nature of human kind. Well. This is not THAT important for the story, but you should REALLY REALLY read the book.

So I get stuck in Madrid, delays, blah blah blah. The important thing is why am I going home. I was gone almost 5 months in Latin America after another 14 months I was in Afghanistan. There were roads to be traveled, but I felt like going home, after being gone for so long. The most important thing is that me and Kristyna really wanted to go paragliding. I did a tandem flight in Medellin, Colombia. And….well… I was FLYING. You know….like really. And I wanted to do it again. So I decided to go home earlier to make it to the last paragliding course of the season.

I am not going to lie, I am a crazy person. I little bit for sure. I came home and after not more than 24 hours I was in a car going to Slovakia for a week of paragliding. Yes. Not only has Slovakia absolutely amazing cheese, but the mountains. It is my childhood. I walked those trails up and down since I was 3 but have not come back for many many years. And here I was again. Cows hanging out on green fields, mountain tops and flying.

You know the movie Arizona Dream? The reason I love it is not just because of Johnny Depp, even though there are things in the world I would love just because of Johnny Depp. It is because of a dream to fly and foolishness with which it’s accomplished. The first time I flied it was hysterical, crazy, dreamy and just right. My hidden wings spread out and my feet left the ground. And then I did it again, and again, running up that small unimportant hill until my legs hurt like hell to experience the best sensation ever, fly. Well…not saying in was no problemo all the time, there were some bushes I saw thoroughly while taking off and some trees I missed just from the right distance. But then clouds came and I was able to catch thermals and spend my first tens of minutes just cruising the air back and forth. I was in love. Because this was it, you know there were some broken hearts. Sports that amazed me and then I found myself being dragged through sea weed, being strangled by kite and hit by surf (seriously, how can you possibly manage so many elements at the time while kite surfing? And I just cannot handle all that salty water in my eyes).But this? Hiking, mountains, views, flying, cute mountain chalets with jummy food, running down a hill with your hands spread open?…this was me.

But you know the story of love. You find him, he is cute and funny, you flirt and dance a night away, go to movies, hold hands, kiss the first time, spend weeks f*cking your brains out and then…. you get your heart broken….or your back….

After first four cuddling days we were ready for a big step. I was ready to be taken up to the biggest mountain, as high as the birds fly. And it was perfect. Scary, but something like being on a carousel. You scream because its fun, but you want more. So we hit it of. The whole day, hot air allowed me to spin 360s high under the clouds, see across mountain summits, dams, towns and people looking like ants. We did our turns on the dance-floor, training figures and landing spotlessly. It was our honeymoon. I was sold that day. Not only am I from the tribe of running people. My wings were out, not to be hidden again.

And then there was the last day. Just couple more figures and I was a pilot. Everything was perfect. Love was fulfilled. So this last flight was just for me. And the thermals were great. I was spinning 360 together with a guy across me and went up even faster than he did, and he was not even a beginner. But I didn’t put my gloves on this time. And it was cold. So I decided not to get sassy about how great it went for me and flew to landing field. The air was just a liiitle rough and it didn’t feel quite right spinning and descending. I thought I should check in though walkie-talkie, but I didn’t. I did this so many times without any trouble. Why should this time be different? So I just kept flying smoothly to the wind sock. But I saw how it just flickers in the wind in so many directions, it kept changing every second. The wind was getting stronger so I almost stood in place and decided to do one more turn which took me to different place than I thought. I was trying to get closer to the wind sock flying just above the tree tops. All of the sudden my glider asymmetrically collapsed. A figure we trained earlier that day. A figure that occurs from time to time and it’s perfectly safe…if you are couple hundred meters above the ground (it’s a paradox, but paragliding is safer higher you are). But I was too low and before the glider blew up again…

Well you know the dreams about falling down. I remember I was having this dream a lot. Dream in which I was hanging in some high place, like a bridge, tree, big gate….something Dali would paint. So I am hanging up there and I know I have to jump down or I will fall anyway. And I know that it is too high even for cats with 70 lives. I am not sure what happens after I fall in that dream.

So now was the time of heart-breaking. I am falling down 20 meters to the ground. I remember it very well and lively. There is the tree on the side and in the millisecond I thought how should I land to fix this. Legs first? Well there is this back protector on my but…. And I hit the ground. Incredible pain shoots through my back and my legs. And than there is nothing. No legs. I am lying there in nicely smelling golden grass that shivers in the air. OK. I live. And I don’t feel my legs. Fucking paragliding. I should have stayed in Peru. Nobody is calling me so I check in….I need help. It takes a couple of minutes before they find me. A second takes century. Maybe you should call the ambulance straight away. I don’t feel my legs. And here they are. Faces saying it will be ok. But it hurts. It hurts like hell and if something ever didn’t feel OK, this was it. Please let it be ok, please let it be ok. I don’t pray very often. Now I did. Minutes before the ambulance followed by helicopter arrives take forever. Please let it be ok. Everybody says I will be fine. The red men are here. But they don’t say anything. Why would they not say it will be ok? It’s a spine? Yes. It’s a spine. And that’s it.

I thought about yoga and its asanas. Position of warrior represents calmness, focus and determination. There is nothing that resembles fighting in this warrior. It is expression of internal strength.
I didn’t like to be called warrior, it is thing of internal critique everybody has for themselves, and I do to. But today when I thought about yoga I realized there is another aspect to it. Something that could inspire me to go further. Internal strength.
I feel miserable….like most of the time. But I am trying to hang on there because i still feel grateful for my life, to survive. But sometimes being grateful just for that is very hard. Especially when it is raining outside and I really want to run, feel wind in my face and jump into puddles. But I cannot. So you do it. Because you never know if you will be able to do it when it rains next time.
I always want to go faster, further and become better. But when your mind goes faster and further than your body can, it is very frustrating. Mind has no limitations. You can do whatever you can with it. Cross all boundaries, because they only exist in your mind. But body has limitations. It has pain and it takes much more time to recover than you want. I wish it was different, but I cannot change it. But i decided to avoid being helpless. Every inch costs me fortune with my body, but it just has to happen. Because life is bitch, but fucking beautiful one. And I have to make it my bitch again.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Yes, everybody likes to quote Ghandi. Maybe because everybody wants to bring change, make a difference and become the person you want to be. And I tell you one thing. You can do it. To make a difference you don’t need money, you don’t need contacts, you only need yourself, your brain, your smile, your hand.

Right now I am in gorgeous port of Porto Bello, Panama. Yesterday on a bus here I met Jorge, youg musician, fun person. Tomorrow he organizes clean your town day. Panamanians are known for their lack of concern for trash. Trash is literally everywhere. They throw it away from their car windows, on sidewalks, in front of their houses. And Jorge and couple of volunteers will clean one town in one day. You might think its useless, people will just keep on living their lives, making mess all around them. But what if only two people learned from Jorge? Will it make sense? And what if the whole town learns its lesson? What if this day helps to change mindsets of people in this town.

Neve underestimate the power of one deed. Anything you do can ultimately inspire and change lives of many people. And in the end it can help to change the world. To be safer, cleaner, equal, happy, smiling and…whatever you want it to be.

I had the option of moving to Brussels, starting internship in NATO, put on suit costume. Burocracy did not allow me to do it this time… But maybe it was a sign. Because maybe being in office in front of a computer, in a suit and high heels is not the future I want to live.

So the time of discovery starts. Time of bridging gap between women in Latin America. Time of developing to my full potential. Time to become mujer hecha y derecha.

And now I will get on a boat and I will let the Caribbean winds to take me to Colombia. To start a journey that is not ordinary. To live life to its fullest.

Being grateful and amazed by support and opportunities the world provides us every day.

Peace

my partners in crime

We want to connect our well-being with the well-being of the Earth and the whole society. We want to live in healthy green environment, but we also want to strive, develop and grow.

We are trying to find balance in our everyday lives and make right decisions. For us, for future generations and for our environment.

The time is now.

Whenever you need help, there are people out there who will provide you with support network. People who feel the same, who will hug you and tell you everything will be alright. Because we don’t have another option – we will make everything alright, because we have the power to do so.

Dear Andrea, thank you so much.

Dearest Veronika,
Looks as though I’ve read this amazing story, so simple and sincere, in just the right time of my life, as I am facing the same difficulties. Social pressure is coming up, as years go by even stronger and more set to try to cut me/us and shape me/us and make us all FIT the same matrix. And some people, like ourselves (and I say this proudly) , are just born not to fit the system but to CHANGE it. On my long and wavy road to who-knows-where , tormented with the same questions you are having my dear freedom fighter, I sometimes find myself envying people who got it right from the first time – you know, all those who JUST KNEW what they were be doing when 40, all those whose lives match the corporate dress-code, those who dont feel the weight of the world as long as pay check is on time etc – I sometimes envy them for the simplicity of their minds and straightness of their roads, and I feel lost in my “idealistic, immature and surrealistic” fantasies of fighting the good fight. BUT then, as the walls are closing on me and I am two steps away from “finding a real job, getting married and pop out few kids” , something very strong comes all over me, emotion larger then fear, I start filing that old Balkan SPITE! And I promise myself I will never become one of them because I , and you my dear as well, were not born to fit the scale and thus, will never dance to the music of the system, so why even try? You are amazing. Your life is amazing. Whichever path you choose will lead you to another amazing thing because you have so much passion, willingness and positive energy inside – it just shines out of your pictures and stories, – please use that power for good for it is great! And whatever you do in life, ALWAYS stop to smell the roses, recharge and run run run ))