Time to contemplate
25 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
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It took me a long time before I was able to sit down and write again. Partially because I felt like there is nothing I can write. The silence of my fingers was overwhelming.
But here am I. Its Christmas, new year is coming and I feel need to contemplate.
This year was probably the most intense, filled with the most random experiences, ranging from absolute happiness to absolute horror.
In this only year I traveled, lived or worked in 11 countries on 4 different continents in my quest for discovery of who I am. And it wasn’t the infinity of Afghan mountains or the Afghan war, it wasn’t the Andes nor Titicaca, it wasn’t the Caribbean sea nor Colombian salsa, it wasn’t the singing of Malagasy lemurs nor the vicious circle of Mauritian politics that gave me the answer. Being on the most beautiful places on the Earth and being on the most dreadful ones had the same effect on my personal journey. The feeling that I have to discover the real me was getting stronger, but also the feeling that in reality I was never so far from the answer.
Years of going further and higher culminated in one moment. In moment I couldn’t be more frighten and more happy at the same time, the moment when real me said: “its time”. I was high in the air. And instead of letting me grow wings sent me to hospital. “Maybe it’s time for you to have a little you time, missie!”
And i was pissed. Well, who wouldn’t be. I mean, if you ask me now, if it was hard, I would be like…no, it wasn’t a biggie. I suffer from this thing…it’s called remembering optimism. Learning to walk was not hard at all, I wasn’t in pain, time passed fast in the hospital…. such things. Only tiny moments of seeing other people with crutches or a sleepless night remembers me of things how they really were. But that is not important, and most importantly it is over.
But the question remains, what is my lesson. I don’t want to be one of the people, who go through major injury or life loss without a change, which only brings the same kind of experience on them over and over again. I want to learn my lesson.
I would love to say, while lying in the hospital, everything clicked, I realized, who I am, what do I want to do, who I want to be with. But it didn’t happen. I am the same mess living my existential crisis of whether work for an NGO or in private sector, whether its time to belive in relations again or give up the nonsense of love altogether, whether I want to be rich and famous or move to Africa and help the poor. If I want to live here or there.
But yes. there is a lesson. Being around the world I realized how much I miss having a home. One place, friends, routine. And how desperately this is what I want right now. Recreating the happy place in my head into an actual happy place on Earth. I don’t think its possible to stop traveling. But so far I underestimated the meaning of my happy place.
So actually I just found a new apartment, applied for couple of jobs, started researching my master thesis and decided to start my personal journey of discovery of the real me right here and right now. From the inside. Because there is no other place that is more appropriate for it. And after all this time, I’ve never been happier and frighten at the same time, because the challenge now is to find the balance and not run away. Because running away was always the safest option.
Lets see how will it go. I don’t have more answers that I used to have. But in words of my favorite philosopher
Isn’t it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity…”
I wish you an amazing Christmas and lets all work towards making the 2012 a year worth remembering.
xox
Goodbye Vaclav
18 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
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He meant so much, not only for our nation and struggle for democracy around the globe. He was a philosopher who lived in the truth. And there is little of those in the today’s politics, I would argue barely anyone. And because of that Vaclav Havel was so crucial. He might not have been right about some things, but he was a visionary and he had a hope for better future. Today people who didn’t give a damn during his life praise him and some others still don’t give a damn. But I do. He was a moral person. I wish I was like him in many aspects. To be able to raise against the injustice of daily lives and foresee a better future and fight for it. Because some things are really not worth fighting for because you know they will end well, but because fight for them is the right thing no matter how they end.
Did we really become so overwhelmed by results, success, road to somewhere, that we forgot that ideals, hope and visions cannot be lived without? For a once I want to stop being preoccupied about future of something and just do it because its right. And we all know what is right. For each of us. There are no compromises. And from time to time we all need to see the truth and love win. And therefore we need people who remind us about it. We just lost one of them. But I hope we all can pick up the little pieces of hope from within and keep fighting his fight. Because its right.
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